Have you heard these statements?

• Student: “I am performing well in studies but my friends are leaving me because I don’t spend enough time with them.”
• Worker: “I am a good worker but my colleagues complain that I don’t join them in their Saturday drinking sessions.”
• Married Lady: “I am a good teacher, but my husband and mother-in-law complain that I don’t give enough time to my family.”
• Narayan Murthy to young workers: “Work 70 hours a week.”
• Father to son: “You earn a pittance as a journalist by working so hard. I have created such a big business of utensil manufacturing. You don’t take any interest in it. You are my only son. You can have five times the income by working one third of the time. What is wrong with you?”

I am sure that you would have heard similar statements from people around you. The statements display dissatisfaction of friends, colleagues, family and employer with people. These statements create pressure upon individuals to conform to the expectations of others and are a source of stress and self-doubts about whether they are doing okay or not?

General VD Dogra competed in the “Iron Man” contest. In the course of his preparation he felt that he got detached from society. His friends and family complained against his behavior which was not conforming to their expectations.

You and I would have been in a somewhat similar situation sometimes facing societal pressure to conform to others’ expectations.  So, what should you do? Are you on the right path? Let us seek answers to these questions.

Principle Centered Life

In the above examples, if the person being accused of not living up to the expectations of others had centered his life on:

• Friends,
• colleagues,
• family,
• employer, or
• father

then he/she would have succumbed to the pressure and started conforming to the behavior desired by the center of the person. This is not the path to happiness. We humans are unique creations of God and should charter our unique course in life. This will lead us to happiness and a sense of fulfilment. Our lives should thus be led by centering it on our principles and values and our unique calling and not that of anyone else.

Roles and Goals

Whether we are a student, worker or a retired person, apart from our societally designated roles of student, worker or whatever else we have the following roles to play:

• Son/daughter/father/mother.
• Brother/sister/relative.
• Friend.
• Colleague.
• Employee/employer.
• Member of social groups/influencer and so on.

Our various roles demand time, effort and commitment. A man is a social being and cannot cut himself/herself off from society nor is it the right thing to do. Cutting oneself off from the society and focusing entirely on studies or career goals would leave a person feeling hollow from inside. Being an effective member of the society is the route to a sense of fulfilment and happiness in the long run. Balancing our lives is the key to a fulfilling life and happiness. It in no way means pandering to the demands of the people around you and allowing others to control your lives. A person who does not have a clear sense of purpose in his/her life allows others to control his/her life. The path to effective living involves having a clear sense of purpose in life which will, at all stages of our lives, entail having clear long- and short-term goals, energizing our daily/weekly/monthly/yearly actions. As to what these goals are, it is for each one of us to determine. This gives each individual his/her uniqueness.

In addition to this major purpose and goals we all have the other roles stated above, which we should fulfil for our own satisfaction and happiness.

Creating Compartments in Our Lives

Let me explain this concept of creating compartments with an example of a middle-aged male doctor X, whose goal is to be the one of the best cardiologists in his state and who is also a family man. His wife is a school teacher. His parents and a 10-year-old daughter reside with him.

• Role of Son. He accompanies his parents in their morning walks. During this time his mother wants to know about his work life and father likes to discuss with him the political situation, economy and so on. Since his father is retired and devotes a large amount of time to reading, he benefits from the knowledge he picks up in his daily walks. More importantly this daily activity strengthens the bond between son and parents. During this time his wife and daughter go to the gym or yoga and they exercise and bond with each-other.
• Role of Father. Unlike his wife, who is good at English, being an English teacher, he is good at Math and Science. In the evening, he spends about half an hour solving his daughter’s Math problems and explaining to her the concepts of science that are a part of her syllabus and sometimes more. They enjoy this time together. However, his daughter loves the Wednesday evenings when her dad teaches her Basketball skills in their backyard and even more the Sunday evenings when they go to the colony Basketball court and play matches by making two teams. Once a month they play inter-colony matches, which are cheered by her mother and grand-parents as well.
• Role of Husband. The family generally eats together. The doctor accompanies his wife to shop every Sunday for their weekly buying of provisions. They discuss their respective day activities at night and other plans. Once a month they watch a movie together, which is decided by his wife.
• Role of School/College Friend.  He loved Cricket in school/college. Practically on all Sunday mornings when the weather is conducive, the friends play a 20 over match with vigor. Most of his friends spend 2-3 hours drinking beer after the match. He excuses himself from that because he devotes 2-3 hours on each Sunday/Saturday reading material for professional growth to accomplish his chosen life goals.

Understanding Roles/Goals and Life Compartments

X has quite clear life as well as other roles/goals. By playing his roles of son/father/husband/friend, he leads a balanced and fulfilling life. His life has various compartments, where one does not spill over to the other. He is a doctor as a professional but shifts to his compartments of roles as a son/father/husband/friend.

This is an example taken to explain the concept of roles/goals and compartmentalizing our lives.

How Most of Us Mess-up Our Lives?

• X’s beer drinking friends do not have time to either read or play with their kids or go to shop with their wives on Sundays. By prolonging/combining their Cricket session with the beer session they have made their choice.
• Most of X’s doctor colleagues focus primarily on their profession and for some reason or the other do not find the time and energy to play their other life roles satisfactorily and as a result are unhappy and when they are with their family members they suffer uncomfortable criticism.
• By misbalancing our lives by centering them on work, as Narayan Murthy recommends or on any other facet of lives, we may lead less than fulfilling lives.
• When we do not have a clear sense of purpose or long-term outlook of our mission in our lives, we may derive short-term pleasures in drinking, gambling, playing, praying, chatting or whatever else, but we will not be leading satisfying and happy lives.

Key to Happiness

The key to happiness thus lies in having a clear sense of purpose in our lives and working to attain that. This purpose is achieved best when we fulfill our various roles in a balanced manner as explained.